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I went through the parking lot again today. I did better this time, though. It wasn’t until I got to the gas station that I felt like I was in high school again. This was the second time that I’d decided to fight my better instincts and leave the house. Of course, this just proves why I should never be put in charge to make decisions.
I pulled into Love’s. It’s about seven minutes away from my house. My car hadn’t been driven since the last time I was home…about a month ago. I remember leaving it with no gas. I pulled in to this local drug transfer spot and as soon as I parked I said, “God, I hope I don’t see anybody I know.” Which not surprisingly is something that I say anywhere I go when I’m home. And of course having just said that, I saw Scott. His older sister used to be one of my best friends and he was absolutely awful to her and his entire family. When I think about the shit that he put his mother through, it pisses me off. The rest of his family is one of the sweetest and most Christian that’s a part of my life. They’re good people. That’s all I can say. They’re such good people. The second day that he didn’t come home we knew something was wrong. He’d been grounded the night that he left for getting his eyebrow pierced and his mother had actually been very lenient after finding his stash of marijuana. We all just grew more devastated as we learned the things he was getting into—mainly because at one point, he had fit into his family. It didn’t take him long to find that “wrong crowd” once he became a freshman. Our high school just fucked everyone’s life up. Anyway, he ran away, broke his family’s heart, and finally once they found him he agreed to stay out of school and work online to finish out his semester as a sophomore. He also moved out of his house for awhile and stayed with an uncle to work on his ranch. Apparently it had done him some good…until he came back to school. I saw him walking towards the car full of every reason why he’s failing himself again.
I actually stayed in my car for a few minutes before getting out hoping that they would all drive by and I wouldn’t have to deal with the usual glares from every single person that was still in high school. Unfortunately, I was in too much of a hurry to hide forever so I just got out and walk towards the entrance to pre-pay. They started driving as soon as I started walking and as I stepped onto the curb, they drove past me, honked the horn, and started screaming at me. Literally hanging out of the windows, half of them I didn’t even know, they just yelled God knows what. For me it wasn’t possible not to turn around and look. They pulled me back into the hallways at that moment. These kids who didn’t even know me, except Scott, knew one thing I did, and I’m being ridiculed while they’re driving around high. Who’s a worse person?
I already know the answer.
I was so close to getting in the gas station without anything happening. So close. But as soon as I walked up to the register, I saw two girls that I had graduated with. This is what they were doing with their lives. They were gas attendants. From high school to the local gas station? I remember these girls. From the way they worked and treated everyone around them, it seemed obvious that they didn’t really have much going for them, but they didn’t even try. I felt embarrassed for them, but then when I gave her my money she just looked at me like a bug. Then it hit me. They knew everything about me. And at that moment, my life was a bigger joke than theirs.

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