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The eighth job I was fired from:

House Of Fabrics. (Spring c.1993)

I got fired for vandalizing the breakroom, spilling a half gallon container of salt onto the floor and leaving it there to blame it on Justin, stealing from the vending machines, having "sleeping on the job" contests with Joe and Justin, having stealing "shrinkage" contests with Joe and Justin, having "messing up the store on purpose" contests with Joe and Justin, tagging everything in the store with my last name, messing with the old ladies until they told on us, and all around insanity.

(Justin and I were asked to leave together and immediately).

I used to walk around this place and just break stuff so that I could tell my friends to look at what I broke.

My best friend Justin started masturbating with various swatches of fine bridal silk in various places around the store. Soon the bathrooms lead way to the break room, and then it got out to the bridal section behind the mannequins and over to the home decoration area and even in the crafts area right near the register. The only place he did not do it was in the Singer sewing machine area because it was too high window exposure but if he worked there for a month longer I think he would have done it.

We also stole everything from pink stuffed potpourri bunnies to full rolls of fine silk to stainless steal $100 scissors and gave them away to our moms and random girls at parties.

The whole company was on a pay freeze because the corporation was going down so we took it upon ourselves to compensate ourselves in the only way high school rejects knew how to, by messing with everything.

One day my other best friend, Joe, slept his whole shift on a bed he made out of batting, then I slept my whole shift in the doubly vented doubly air conditioned sewing machine room (there was only one key to it). This spawned a whole "sleeping on the job contest" where we even tried to sleep overtime past our shifts.

When it got to the point where I was actually spray painting all over the store with the craft area spray paints it was long over time for them to fire us on the spot. I think that Justin regretted going along with me on this.

I ended up getting him fired from his next job at Target too because he let me walk with a FULL cart of shit for my new apartment, FULL.

Joe however, worked there stoned for three more years (without a raise but with many promotions to gain more responsibility). Then Joe got a job at Round Table Pizza where he worked there stoned for four more years selling weed to underaged kids.

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20 Jobs

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