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The twentieth job I was (kinda) fired from.

Barnes and Noble (c. summer 2002)


I got this job based on the fact that I was attractive to the guy interviewing me and he thought I was gay. This was disclosed to me later when we had become friends.

Also, I had read way more than anyone else that they were interviewing...and I had read more than all the people who were the interviewers...and I had worked in an actual library.

I got this job because I needed one but I knew I would never take the job seriously and that I would fuck with this company as much as possible.

I instantly figured out all of their security procedures and told them to anyone who asked me where I worked after I had told them to come in and steal all they could.

I even told people that if they came in while I was working I would personally walk them around the store and out the front door with free books.

I got employees pissed about the corporation and urged them to vandalize the building, give away free stuff, to not work at all and to purposefully fuck with the sales goals.

I continually broke, destroyed and stole all the forms and clipboards where the management kept track of these goals and the employees performance.

Other than that, I barely worked at all.

Some days, if the one guy who cared wasn’t working, I wouldn’t do one work related thing. Some days, if the one guy who cared wasn’t working, I would leave at lunch without clocking out. The next day I would come in and they would ask me about when I left and I would tell them I just forgot to clock in and out.

I spent whole shifts reading on the chairs and couches with tea , also stolen from the Starbuck’s café inside the store.

I got a manager to start leaving scraps of meat from his lunch in the stacks of books randomly. I got another manager to steal boxes of food from the café and books to sell before their street date. I got a supervisor to quit and go back to school.

Finally, my letter of resignation made the general manager ask for psychological services through the corporation and he finally quit after making photo copies of my letter and leaving it all over the building.

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